Before I Go
by NerdAngel
Summary: One shot Dean's POV in "Abandon All Hope."


**A/n: I know I've been busy so I haven't posted anything but Don't Scream, but I just re-watched "Abandon All Hope" and this one shot came to me.**

 **SPOILER ALERT for season 5 "Abandon All Hope."**

 **Thank you LilyBolt and miXiZ for your support and ever blooming friendship. Thank you to anyone who reads, reviews, and/ or favorites this story.**

 **I don't own SPN or its characters**

Don't look Dean.

Just turn away. Keep walking, don't turn around. Don't watch the smoke and flames engulf the building that they're in. Don't do it.

It's what I say to myself the moment I hear the explosion. I could feel the heat and already we are a good several feet away and already we've made it to the roof. But of course I Iook. Damn straight I'm going to look. They deserve it. As I do, I feel my heart sink to the bottom of my stomach as though it were a rock. My knees feel like wet noodles and I'm not sure I can actually support myself. But of course I can. I have to. I have to stand strong, he's watching. He can't see me crumble to the floor, he can't see my lower lip tremble, he can't see the look of terror or remorse on my face. He can't see the guilt that already was tearing me up on the inside and shining out of my eyes. He can't. I won't let him.

It was only last night that we had been drinking and laughing, all of us pretending that the next day was just another day and that everything would be alright. I came to an agreement with Sam, an agreement that I made thinking it didn't matter. I agreed to terms that I would never agree to had I known we were going to make it out ok. The tough thing about it, that kid has the memory of a freakin elephant and is as stubborn as a damn horse. He may have had enough alcohol to make him tipsy and fall off his chair laughing his ass off, but I've learned in the past that that didn't mean he wouldn't remember what I had said. It didn't mean he wouldn't hold me to it or piss and moan about me needing to let him grow up. It would be in his best interest that he just let it go. I know he won't though, because he's Sam and it's what he does. However I don't mind because I won't give in to him, because I'm me and keeping him safe is what I do. I wouldn't put him in the line of fire, but yet I just let two good people throw themselves into it, and for what? For the greater good? Leaving Ellen was hard, though it had been her choice and nothing anyone could say could move that mountain. She was sticking to her daughter's side. Who am I to talk her out of it? Who am I to say that she was wasting her life? I was no one. I had absolutely zero room, because I knew damn well that had roles been reversed and it had been Sam who had been lying broken and bleeding on the floor, I would have done the exact same thing. Ellen couldn't live without Jo just like I couldn't live without Sammy. So I said nothing about her decision. I had watched her meet Jo's eyes as fear and realization settles on her daughter's features and my heart broke. Jo Harvelle was one tough cookie and the pain she had been going through, I had known only too well. Hellhounds were scary sons of bitches. They were ruthless, careless, evil creatures that only stopped ripping you to shreds after you stopped screaming and begging for the pain to end. We had been able to fight it off before Jo could meet the same fate I had years ago, but we all knew that it was hopeless. As I kneeled down to say my goodbyes, my throat tightened and a wave of nausea kicked in.

"Okay this is it. I'll see you on the other side. Probably sooner than later." Even as she had sat with a fatal wound that refused to stop bleeding, she still fought so hard to hide the pain from me by brightening her fading eyes with a smile that touched her lips.

She grunted in discomfort but quickly dismissed it and replaced it with another smile.

"Make it later."

I had placed the homemade detonator in her small hand, holding mine on hers awhile longer. We locked eyes and I felt overwhelmed with emotions. But not all had been mine. I could so clearly feel the pain that she had tried so bravely to hide away. I could see the fear of not knowing what would come next. Worse still, I could see the disappointment and sense the longing. I had been aware of this the day we had met. It wasn't that she hadn't been a pretty girl, or a smart girl, or even not my type. I would be lying if I said the thought of grabbing hold of her and giving her a night that she would never forget hadn't crossed my mind just about every time I saw her. But that's all I could give her, a night. Normally that was good enough for me, but Jo was different than the other girls. I couldn't do that to her. I respected her far too much. I leaned towards her, grabbed her head in my hands and kissed her forehead in comradery squeezing my eyes shut so that no tears could escape them. I had lifted my lips from her head and gazed once more into her eyes. In them I had seen a hint of sadness and a glisten of hope. I hesitated. I couldn't make her any less uncomfortable or take away any of the pain, but I could give her a dying wish. Carefully, I brought my lips to her once again, but this time I had placed them gently on hers. It wasn't a long kiss and it hadn't been nearly as epic or romantic as it was in movies, but I had hoped it had been enough to at least make her feel less scared and maybe distract her from the pain even if she had just lost herself to it momentarily.

I finally tear my gaze from the flames and take off, Sam follows without my needing to tell him. He doesn't need to be reminded how dire our situation is and how we need to keep moving. We can't let Ellen and Jo Harvelle's deaths be in vaine as Bill's had. I look over my shoulder at the smoky building burning bright one last time before I go.


End file.
